As Much As You May Hate Me
by Error Cannot Reach Author
Summary: Merlin loves Arthur and Arthur loves gwen who loves Lancelot who is dating Merlin. So when they find out about Lancelot's and Gwen's affair Arthur isn't exactly pleasant to merlin. But Merlin loves Arthur too much to leave him even if Arthur hates him.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the series.**

**Merlin's pov**

Some would have been surprised to note that the court sorcerer was in love with his king. Others would have sadly shaked their heads at this foolish love. For what could he do? They were both men. And with a king there must always be a queen.

Not to say I don't like the queen. She is kind and beautiful. Everything you want to help rule the kingdom. She is perfect for Arthur. And I know that very well. I was still the one who got him ready in the morning.

The gleam in his eyes spoke of infinite happiness. Every word he said about her carried a tone of love. And he was exceedingly more public with his affections for her then when he was prince.

So what could I do? I loved the prat and all it got me was a reluctance to find anyone else. But he was happy with his life. And we were on the way to uniting the kingdoms. I couldn't sacrifice all of that to simply utter the words I love you.

It would be better if he never knew how I truly felt about him. That all I was to him was a bumbling idiot and best friend. Because no matter how much it hurt, he would be happy. He would have his queen, Gwen, and the security of a sorcerer that he didn't have to send away because of three words.

And as much as it hurt to downplay everything I felt for him I knew I had to move on. I would be in more pain if I continued living like this. So I started looking for someone. Which was difficult since I had never tried to before.

Then Lancelot showed up. My dear friend and companion. He brought laughter that had been missing from my life for so long. Good natured jokes that I didn't share with Arthur anymore. So I took a chance. I said I wanted to go out with him. He took my hand in his and said he would always be willing.

So our relationship started. We cared for each other deeply and knew that this was a wonderful chance for the both of us to move on from our unrequited love. To give that love to someone willing to love us back in return. We stood equal with each other. It was well known among everyone about our relationship.

I guess the first sign of trouble could have come a week into telling others about us. Arthur simply wished me the best and offered to beat Lancelot into the ground if he didn't treat me right. Gwen on the other hand was silent. Her eyes had widened and then returned to normal before gave us her congratulations.

As Lancelot and I walked away I could feel eyes boring into my back and our clasped hands. But I shook it off. I was finally happy with someone and there was a slightly lower chance of them dying because Arthur stabbed them with a sword. Though it was still a possibility according to him.

Soon after though I started spending more time with Arthur again. Not that I was complaining. He would always be my best friend and I would always love him. But I did not cling onto false hopes that he may have been jealous and hence the reason for our time together. It seemed that Gwen was leaving him behind to go on rides by herself.

Well she would take Lancelot with her for protection but none thought anything of it. Everyone had long forgotten that she had once been in love with him. It ran through my mind but since Lancelot never acted any different with me, I thought everything was fine. The mere thought of them having an affair would just be a pigment of my imagination.

So when Arthur decided we should go on a ride and catch up with them we were shocked to see them in a lover's embrace in a little grove. The devastation that covered Arthur's face in seeing his wife in another's arms slowly crept into anger. That he had been made fool of by his queen and knight.

But he walked away that day, me following a few paces behind.

Later that day when they came back he called Gwen into their chambers. I called Lancelot. And choked sobs could be heard in each room. I know it was me in this room but I could only imagine who in the other.

Various scenarios played in my head.

Arthur crying and asking why. Gwen holding her head high and confessing she never stopped loving Lancelot. She leaves along with Lancelot.

Gwen crying and asking for forgiveness that Arthur doesn't give. He banishes her and Lancelot.

Arthur cries and forgives her. Because she is his soulmate no matter what her feelings may think.

She cries and he forgives her. For he loves her to no end.

But then I return to where I'm at. Questioning my 'lover' how this came to be. Why was it that this happened and he never had the decency to break things off with me. Tight lipped he stood there. Not willing to admit his mistakes but eager enough to offer up excuses.

"If you had the chance you would have given anything to be with Arthur. Damn the wife he had and the lover you had, it would be worth it. For even a fraction of your feelings to be returned." He paused to let me reflect on his words. "You would let yourself be used if it was for his pleasure. Just so you would have that connection. Can you blame me for giving into what I have wanted for so long?"

"He and I will never be. I know that much. But there are consequences." Rubbing my eyes for what seemed like the thousandth time. "Nothing will ever be the same again you bastard."

And there were no truer words. They both left. Willingly or unwillingly I can not be certain. But I only saw the mess that Arthur became. The enemies he made of concerned servants. Yelling at them for the slightest thing wrong. His refusal to speak to me.

Except for one instance when I was trying to comfort him. Pushing my own pain from the betrayal down so I could focus on what he needed. He became enraged and tried to force me out before knocking me down into a chair.

_"You helped didn't you." He scoffed. "Were you and Lancelot even dating? Or were you just his cover?"_

_Stalking back and forth before leaning over me. "You love me don't you. Gwen with Lancelot and me all by myself. Merlin to save the day. Make me become all dependent on you. Everyone wins!"_

_Shaking my head over and over in shock. That he had noticed I loved him was something I never considered and I didn't think it could hurt this much. He had known and still..._

_"I could never..."_

_"Oh is that so." He sneered. "Well aren't you pathetic then. Loving someone you can never have and then dating someone who loves the same person who took your precious love away. You sure do pick them Merlin."_

_"I loved someone before you."_

_"Oh and what happened to him?"_

_"Her. She was killed. We almost ran away together and then..."_

_"What?"_

_"She was cursed and turned into a beast. You stabbed her." My voice became lifeless in remembrance of pushing her body out onto the water._

_"The beast!? You loved a cursed girl who was killed by me and yet you still love me. Are you some sort of masochist?" I was silent. _

_"Get out! I don't want to ever see your deceivingly innocent face ever again! You took my wife away!" He sobbed the last sentence. Walking out while I had a chance I couldn't help but look back at his broken form._

_"As much as you say you dislike me right now I will always be here for you. And since you know already, I love you."_

**A/N: Well ain't that depressing. I was planning on writing a lovely little piece with a similar concept but with a happier ending but it ended up like this. Anywho first merlin fanfic. Hmm if enough people want another chapter from Arthur's perspective and with a possible happy ending I would be glad to write it but I don't think it would turn out as long as this. Reviews are loved and much appreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own merlin. **

**Arthur's pov**

I knew it was silly to even think Merlin was apart of it. But the anger just flared up when I saw him come in. Trying to comfort me like the good friend he is.

I would apologize if my pride would allow it. Heaven knows I'm already beating myself up for what I said to him. Bringing up what I knew he wanted to keep hidden. Twisting his words so he could get a fraction of the pain I was really going through.

To think I thought Gwen and I were happy. We spent a lot of time together. Actually shared a room. Hadn't seemed tired of each other's company.

Yet to find out what my wife had done. Her reasoning.

_"Why?" I choked out._

_"Why what?" She smiled softly as if I said something silly._

_"Why the hell did you sleep with Lancelot?!" I yelled. She became still._

_"What did you see?" She said after a few seconds._

_"I saw you in his arms not so long ago." I glared at her. "Why did you do it?"_

_"Did he force you..."_

_"No!" She shouted. As if that made the entire situation better. But all it told me was that my beloved wife willingly went behind my back. "He would never..."_

_"So you were the one?" I slowly sank to the floor. My back against the bed frame. I stared up at her. "I just want to understand why."_

_She sat across from me. Settling in like we were about to have a long heart to heart. Which I guess we were. _

_"You started going on more...rides when we found out about Lancelot and Merlin..." my voice trailed off._

_"Yes." She stated without looking at me. Anything but me._

_"Why was that a turning point?" She gave a breathless laugh at my question. _

_"Isn't it a tad bit obvious?" I shook my head._

_"Well I'm still trying to come to terms that my wife cheated on me with our 'good' friend." I bit out. She quickly calmed down._

_"He was my first love." Her laugh turned bitter. "Sort of hard to get over. He left. I married you. He comes back. I can become friends with him. And then he starts seeing Merlin."_

_Her tone became mocking. "Lovely little Merlin. Always in the backgrounds. Always unappreciated. Always saving the day in his own little way."_

_I looked on with confusion. When had my wife started to hate probably my best friend? They had been friends long before I grew to appreciate the faith Merlin placed in me and my abilities._

_She continued, "And always in love with his king."_

_"No. He doesn't. Couldn't!"_

_"Lancelot told me. Merlin was tired of always being alone and lost in a completely onesided love. Lancelot said he wasn't over me and that it just sort of fit." She chuckled. "They started their relationship over their lost loves who found each other."_

_I grew tired with all the background information. I just need to know the reason. Even forgetting about Merlin's so called love for me. "Get on with it."_

_"Alright." She rolled her eyes. "They came and told us. It seems that they had actually become happy without us."_

_"And so..." I pressed._

_"I grew jealous. My first love appeared to have moved on. I had too but I hadn't expected it to hit me so hard when he did. So I started finding excuses to spend time with him. I found out the truth about how their relationship came to be and he confessed to have never stopped loving me. Things progressed..."_

Her entire basis. Jealousy. How wonderful. My entire basis for wanting to run Lancelot through with my sword and maybe a mace or two. Broken heart.

It pained me though that I mocked Merlin for his love. If anything, he had lost more then anyone. And yet still he served. He grew strong for my sake. Taking care of me by sending servants because he thought I hated him. Removing the torture of seeing the one most hurt by this whole ordeal. The one who embodied the betrayal and served as a reminder of what my wife had done.

It almost made me want to laugh. I could almost love him for his selflessness. But no.

It made me hate him for how selfish he made me feel.

**A/N: Hmm...I question myself for how I come up with stories like these. Hell I barely talk to people I like and I already have grim views on relationships. How odd. Anyway I would love to hear comments on how this story is. I'll probably write another chapter or so but I doubt it will end happily. Hehe I don't know though. It could end happily based on the mood I'm in. Please comment. I know my writing could be greatly improved. I just hope that the feelings are properly conveyed.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own the series. **

**Merlin's pov**

It has been tiring. Not to mention stressful. But isn't that always the case in the life of a servant. Not that I'm complaining per se. Ok well I sort of am.

There really is nothing worse then hearing the person you love mock you for loving them. Worse still is hearing that they knew all along that you loved them and that they did nothing. Not that they must date you or anything. But at least properly turn them down so they can move past you and know there is no hope. It is a lot kinder then just forcing them to watch you find happiness and love.

Well I guess it works both ways. Maybe I should have told him. Get it out there. Let him tear my heart apart so I could heal. Cause I can't right now.

I know he was in pain when said those words. And some piece of me wants everything he said to be just because of the pain. Even if I know that's not true. My heart is fixated on that small chance that it may.

So like a shard of glass stuck smack dab in the middle of my heart, it keeps hope alive. The pain caused is forgiven. Because like the fool I am I desperately want to believe in a happy ending. That everything will work out in the end.

It's not that hard to realize that he is the only one. How he pushes my buttons and yet deserves my respect. He is the only one I could possibly love for my entire life. That I will love for the rest of my life. Even if I am completely miserable doing so.

If I could I would hate him for doing this to me. For being so God damn perfect and a huge prat. But showing me his leadership and compassion. Letting me be there as he makes history.

It seems so amazing that he has accomplished so much. What more can he do? What is he not capable of?

I like to think if I got a chance to do things over, with the knowledge I have now, that things would be better. For him and for me. Maybe if I killed Morgana the first time she wouldn't have made our lives so complicated. Maybe Gwen wouldn't have cheated on him. And just maybe, I would have the sense not to fall in love with my prince, though king now.

Because that is what got us into this mess. If only I hadn't tried to find happiness with Lancelot. Then Gwen wouldn't have felt to threatened. I miss the days when we were good friends. Before I realized that she was destined to be Arthur's queen. I'm almost ashamed to say that I started to push her away when I realized it. But isn't that a natural reaction?

Nonetheless, it was wrong of me. As always it seems.

**A/N: ok well I'm gonna stop there for now. I think maybe one or two more chapters. At this point I want a happy ending. Somehow. Anyway I'll try to get the next chapter to you soon. Ive been out of school for the summer for a couple of weeks now but I got a job babysitting my cousins. Anyway point being I'll write more. And just saying reviewing helps. Review and/or favorite and/or follow.**


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